As the year draws to a close, I wanted to take some time to reflect. I’ve noticed a lot over the past few months that I’ve been slipping back into my old pattern, where I feel consistently: “what the hell am I doing with my life, why can’t I seem to change things?”

I think it comes from two elements: first, I’m really struggling physically. You might remember I posted an update a few months ago about my struggles with my back pain, and how happy I was that my new GP seemed to understand, and put in place a plan of action to help me manage it. Unfortunately, my meds ran out and we were told that due to a shortage, they were no longer being prescribed. Ibuprofen was suggested, but I find that it hasn’t really helped. I’m trying to spend more time out of my wheelchair, especially with being back at my folks over the holidays, but the thing I’m finding relieves it best is just staying in bed, which I hate doing as like to try and stay busy and proactive! As I’ve noted previously, being in pain is exhausting not just physically but mentally. I’m tired most of the time which leaves me irritable and frustrated. It’s a vicious cycle that I want desperately to break but don’t really know how except for physio, which I’m still on the waiting list for.. with no idea of when it might appear.

Secondly, I’m drained by jobhunting. Back in May, I left a receptionist job after six months in post due to concerns about my performance: the office wasn’t adapted fully for my needs despite the best of intentions. I don’t regret my decision to leave as I was struggling with the pressure that their expectations gave me when they knew full well about the adaptation issues. What I do regret however, is losing the massive boost it gave to my self esteem, and I can’t seem to rediscover that at the moment. I want to write for my career and am lucky enough to be taking some small steps to building my portfolio through my theatre reviewing for BroadwayWorldUK and through my blog here, but otherwise have been struggling to open the doors I want to, and am falling back into more job applications being rejected than I can count. It makes me sad that when I see friends of mine working in the field I dream of that I’m often wrongly jealous and it makes me question myself and my abilities.

Don’t get me wrong, some amazing things have happened this year – incredible theatre, time with friends, family and all the people that matter most, and nothing overwhelmingly negative has happened in the grand scheme of things, and for that I’m so grateful… I just feel like I’m getting stuck, not moving forward.

So, here are my hopes for the coming year:

• Get closer to getting my dream job, however small the steps! I will be unveiling a new venture on here for a start! I will open the draft of my novel, and finally make the decision wether to press that “delete” button…

• Reconnect – I feel like I’ve lost touch with some people that are really important to me, and for that I’m sorry. Those I consider my closest friends don’t live near me, we were brought together by our love of theatre, and I want to make a worthy effort to rekindle those friendships!
• Pet Ownership – Most of you won’t know this, but I’m a cat fan. I’ve wanted one for years but it’s only become feasible potentially now I’m settled in my flat… watch this space!

To continue the positivity, I need to say a huge thankyou to everyone for embracing the changes I’ve made to my blog, especially in terms of being more open about my disability! I had been scared to share, but the reaction has shown me I did the right thing. I’ll also return to book blogs, and start my “Wheelie Stagey Writes” section… so I hope you’ll stick with me as I strive to enter 2019 with more positivity than I seem to have ended this year with. I’ve lost control of myself and my mindset a little bit: here’s to getting it back!